Mary Sue: The Plastic Menace
by Kimiko1
Summary: SLASH - HET - Mary Sue plays havoc with characterisation and plot in her own special way. But the ending has a twist... FANFICTION.NET EXCLUSIVE! You WILL NOT find this fic on my website or in any archive, ever.


Title: Mary Sue: The Plastic Menace   
Author: Kimiko (Kimi-chan the Destroyer)   
Email: kimiko@theunknown.com   
Archive: Want it? Ask.   
Category: SillyFic   
Rating: R for sexual themes   
Spoilers: GoF (Yeah, I didn't think I'd be spoiling anything either. Go figure.)   
Warnings: Random craziness, an adult playing with kids' toys in a manner they were not originally intended. Slash, both   
M/M and F/F, and het - nothing graphic (obviously). Sort of a self-insert, but not really.   
Disclaimer: I don't own Lego. I do own some of their products, though I am regrettably too poor to purchase any of the HP   
stuff as yet. In short, anything you recognise is not mine. You knew that already, of course, but I have to acknowledge   
that I know it so people don't sue me. (People won't sue me, will they? Well, if you really *want* my student loans...)   
Pairings: Far too many to list. Everybody / Mary Sue.   
  
A/N: This came to me in a conversation with my roommate earlier today (11/3/01) whilst we were lucky enough to be viewing   
the HP Legos commercial. (Yeah, I get a giddy little thrill everytime I see anything HP-related and remotely cool on the   
telly. No, that pathetic Potions Class Playset emphatically does not count. Yes, of course the trailers do.) I was just   
doing the voices. She was the one who said I ought to write the fic. So hats off to sarahleo, whose X-Files fic I'm   
betaing, by the way. She's really very good, even if she does write het. (No, I've no problem with het, really. I read a   
lot of it in the HP fandom and I am a Mulder/Scully shipper.) Very good, what am I talking about - she's fabulous.   
Anyway, as I said before, I haven't got the HP Legos (more's the pity - I would if my arse weren't quite so broke), so I   
don't know of whom there are little plastic snap-together versions. For the purposes of the fic, I shall assume that   
there are Legos of all the characters.   
  
*********************   
  
A young woman with bright red lips waltzed stiffly into the Great Hall. "Hello!" she exclaimed, her voice pitched high   
and somewhat squeaky. "My name is Mary Sue! I'm a transfer student from America."   
  
"Sit down," said Dumbledore, in an odd accent that could have been British if the listener was on crack. "Here, put this   
Hat on. It will Sort you."   
  
"RAVENCLAW!" shouted the Hat. Mary Sue stood up and walked to the Ravenclaw table, where everyone cheered.   
  
"Thank you!" she warbled. "I'm sure you're all fabulous people, too! But let me get to know everyone, before I sit down."   
  
She strode to the Gryffindor table, where Harry was sitting perhaps just a bit too close to Ron, the twins were snogging   
Lee, and Seamus was firmly ensconced in Dean's lap. She cleared her throat and introduced herself. "I'm Mary Sue," she   
chirped.   
  
"We love you, Mary Sue!" the entire table chorused.   
  
Mary Sue was happy. "I love you guys, too."   
  
She moved on to the Slytherin table, where Draco was staring moodily at Harry and angsting. "Hello, Slythies!" she   
shouted. Everyone seemed to love her there, too.   
  
The Hufflepuffs were much the same. Oh, and Cedric was still alive.   
  
After classes had been concluded for the day, Mary Sue found herself hanging out by the Quidditch pitch, watching a match   
between Hufflepuff and Slytherin (because if it had been Ravenclaw vs. anyone, Mary Sue would have been playing). She sat   
not with her own House but with the Gryffindors. "We all love you, Mary Sue," they said, more or less at the same time.   
  
"I know," she said airily. "Everyone loves me."   
  
"Sleep with me, Mary Sue!" Ron entreated.   
  
"No, me!" said Hermione.   
  
"No, me!" said Ginny.   
  
"No, us!" said the twins.   
  
"No, me!" said Neville. Professor Snape, happening to pass by, scowled.   
  
"Twenty points from Gryffindor," he said, "for infidelity." He began to glare at Mary Sue, intending to assert that   
Neville was *his*, but instead found himself falling at her feet and begging to be allowed to make love to her. So,   
incidentally, was nearly everyone else present. The Quidditch teams had all alighted, dismounted, and come over to see   
what this intriguing new student was doing.   
  
"People, people!" said Mary Sue, effectively silencing the croud. "There's enough of me to go around!"   
  
Suddenly, Voldemort showed up.   
  
"No, there's not!" he said, cackling evilly. "Mary Sue, you belong to *me*!"   
  
"No!" she said, defiant. "You can never have me, Voldemort!" The croud gave a collective gasp.   
  
"GASP!" gasped the croud.   
  
"That's right!" Mary Sue crowed. "I am not afraid to speak his name, because he is a wimpy little upstart, and I will   
destroy him now!" She pulled out her wand. "Avada Kedavra!"   
  
Voldemort died spectacularly.   
  
Enter Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, doing their level best to keep their hands off one another and failing utterly.   
  
"We love you, Mary Sue!" they said upon seeing her; no matter that they hadn't been introduced to her - Mary Sue was   
suddenly a woman from their past, whom they had loved but lost.   
  
"I loved you once," said Mary Sue tearfully. "But we can never be together. Oh wait, yes we can! But later. I'm busy with   
the entire student body and half the staff of Hogwarts right now. How's your July?"   
  
Just then -   
  
*********************   
  
- sarahleo returned from class and began laughing uproariously at her roommate, Kimi-chan the Destroyer. Their dorm room   
floor was littered with colourful plastic blocks and other objects; Kimiko was crouched in the centre of the mess,   
dancing little plastic people around and "making" them talk to each other. The piece de resistance, however, came in the   
form of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hogwarts, in all its glory.   
  
Made entirely of plastic.   
  
"I see you finished putting your Legos together," said sarahleo.


End file.
